Time-out for partners
- Jul 1
- 2 min read
If you've read my blog on strategies to ground yourself when you become overwhelmed or dysregulated, this one is all about taking a time-out when you react disproportionately when in conflict with a partner.
A time-out is a rip stop: it is the cord pulled to stop a runaway train. It's a break, the thing used to HALT an interaction that either has crossed over into, or is quickly crossing into, haywire. Time-outs have one job and one job only - to abruptly stop a psychologically violent or unconstructive interaction between you and your partner.
Calling for a time-out has everything to do with the person calling the time-out. Calling a time out means that we don't like how we are feeling and/or what we are doing or about to do or say. It also means that we are saying to the other person that, regardless of their sense of the problem or perception of the interaction, "I need a time out so I'm taking one."
Take distance responsibly
Time outs are a form of distance taking, and like all forms of distance taking, there are two ways to do it: provocatively or responsibly. Responsible distance taking has two key factors that make it responsible:
an explanation and
a promise to return: "This is why I'm taking distance, and this is when I intend to come back"
Provocative distance taking has neither of these key pieces. In provocative distance taking, the person takes distance without any explanation or addressing a partner's worries about the person who is doing the "leaving". Additionally, provocative distance taking can also look like ineffective distance taking as the person taking provocative distance may get chased, verbally, emotionally, or physically.
Use the phrase "time out" or gesture (the T sign) as an abbreviation
There are times when if we open our mouths to speak, demons will fly out. We may not be able to control that, so instead of indulging the impulse to say or do disrespectful, unkind, or verbally violent things, use a hand gesture (the T sign) instead of trying to speak, or say "time out". While we may not be able to conjure kind words in the moment, we do have control over our ability to stop things from escalating. Having pre-agreed on a meaning: "Honey, no matter how you may be feeling or assessing things, I don't like how I'm feeling, and I don't trust what I'm about to do or say. So, I'm taking some time to regain my composure, and I will be back to you when I'm more grounded."
For more details on how to take a time-out, here is my PDF handout
