Being met in the unsayable, the impossible and alteration
Some of what I offer as a psychotherapist focuses on supporting the person in feeling more grounded, less fearful, or less overwhelmed. These ways of supporting people I work with are described in my blogs about the window of tolerance, becoming aware of triggers, threat responses and making sense of unresolved distress or trauma.
None of these approaches are intended to prevent anyone from connecting to and expressing their feelings. Sometimes, though, it is understandable that a person may seek out strategies or methods in therapy to help them disconnect from their feelings and find a quick solution to their distress. This is especially true when the person has tried to make sense of their situation and resolve their difficulties, only to become more desperate or hopeless about how to bring about change when they are unable to do so.
For others, something is being endured that may feel unsayable, impossible to make sense of, or that has altered them in ways that feel permanent. This may be through the loss or fracturing of their meaningful attachments, or being dispossessed of a place or community, or some other kind of belonging.
Whatever loss or alteration a person has gone through or is undergoing, what is needed is a clearing where they can be met, just as they are, without any expectations or assumptions about their experience, what it means to them, or where it may take them. There are many assumptions and expectations held within a culture and across the various approaches to psychotherapy, and unless I am alert to how they may intrude on the ‘clearing’ I seek to make with a person, they may close off any chance of their finding their own words and meanings.
One of the most common assumptions is that ‘whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger’. This may be a helpful belief for some, and for others, it may render them silent and beyond reach, as their suffering is perceived as a sign of weakness or exaggeration. Another belief is that ‘everything has a meaning’ and, in some way, can be made sense of and made good in the end. Again, while some may find great comfort in this belief, the experience of another person is made invisible and unacceptable.
In my experience, both personal and as a therapist, I have found that there are some losses and ways of being altered that are so shocking and radical, that feel impossible to survive, or feel so extreme that a person’s previous sense of self and ways of making meaning no longer exist as before. The person endures, as though they are alive and yet no longer feel present in life.
Being met in such places within a clearing where they may be seen and heard is what I hope to offer.
